Terms

SNAPTERMS.COM TERMS OF SERVICE

1.  Introduction

Welcome to Snapterms.com, the official website of Snapterms LLC, an Arizona Limited Liability Company formed on a bet that ended up becoming really serious and offering low cost legal solutions to website owners.  This document constitutes a legally-binding agreement (“Agreement”) governing the terms of providing you with our service.  It also originally contained a foolproof solution to turn anything into gold, but we ran out of space so we shredded that part.  Throughout this document, the words “Snapterms,” “Snapterms.com,” “Snapterms LLC,” “us,” “we,” “our,” and “hey’s you’s guys,” refer to us, Snapterms LLC, our website, Snapterms.com, or our service, Snapterms, as is appropriate in the context of the use of the words.

Likewise, the words “you” and “your” refer to you, the person who is being presented with this document for your agreement.

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS:  We are not a lawyer referral service and we don’t offer legal advice specific to your state.  Our documents are designed to assist you in complying with federal and often times general international legal issues.

2.  Description of Service

Snapterms is a legal service for people who don’t want to mortgage their house to hire a traditional law firm.  Snapterms, in turn, consists of an elite team of lawyers who have made the career decision to whore ourselves out at bargain basement prices.  How do we keep prices so low?  Well, we can’t really discuss trade secrets, but it involves a giant mill contraption like in Conan the Barbarian, but with a bunch of lawyers chained to it.

3.  Information Supplied

Your Information

When using our website, you will provide your name, e-mail address, business address, website information, and a description of the information that you collect—much like this one.  Oh and payment, you have to pay us or we’ll club a seal or something else evil (kidding…please don’t report us to PETA or some shit we love animals…they taste delicious)

GIGO

You know the phrase, “Garbage In, Garbage Out?”  If not, it means that if you give us inaccurate or insufficient information, the documents we return will reflect that.  The more you tell us when placing your order (within reason—don’t send us the Declaration of Independence of online legal documents), the better a job we can do because we know more about your business.  So, please send us a detailed description and not a single sentence that says “I like airplanes,” because we can’t read minds.  This is especially true if your website hasn’t been published yet and we have nothing to look at to see how it works.

Don’t Buy if You Can’t Be in Porn or Join the Army

In addition to providing us with the above information about yourself, we need to know that we can legally enter into a contract with you, which means that you have to be an adult human.  So, as a part of this Agreement, you hereby attest that your age is at least eighteen years old to sign up for our service, or, if a higher age of contractual capacity exists in your jurisdiction, then you are at least however old that age is.  Also, you warrant to us that you are not a dolphin.

4.  Payment

Unless you’re the IRS, we don’t have to work for you in exchange for nothing.  So, we have set up PayPal in order to let you pay us.

When you use PayPal, you have to use your own account.  If you don’t use your own account, you’d better have the permission of the accountholder or at least have some dirt on them so you can blackmail them into not going to the cops.  If you make an unauthorized charge to someone else’s PayPal account, it probably won’t be worth our trouble to sue you unless we’re really annoyed (though we reserve the right to), but PayPal has been known to unleash armies of rabid bears upon those who commit fraud using its service.

Please note that PayPal disputes are only appropriate in very limited circumstances, such as failure to provide you with the agreed-upon services, and only when you have first raised the issue with us.  Any use of fraudulent chargebacks to get free services is strictly prohibited, and will be dealt with by reporting such chargebacks to your local police department and a credit bureau, as well as referring the matter to the courts and/or Boba Fett.

Also, if you fill out an order form and don’t pay us don’t expect us to do any work. If you don’t pay first, we don’t work.  We won’t remind you that you haven’t paid us, or invoice you for non-payment.  We are not responsible if something happens because you’re too stupid to figure out how to pay for what you ordered.  Seriously if that is too difficult for you to understand maybe you should go into another line of work, like being a politician.

5.  Limitations of Service

We use tried and tested legal language to tailor your Terms of Service, Privacy Policies, and other legal documents to you, but there are several limitations:

  • Our services are somewhere between the level of Lionel Hutz and Johnnie Cochran.  That means we take reasonable care in drafting your legal documents, but we’re not available to hold your hand every time you get sued.  If your order is covered by Snapsurance, we can give you the consultation you’re eligible for but we won’t be responsible for representing you before a court of law, whether on TV or otherwise.
  • We are not a lawyer referral service.  That means even if your bestest friend told you we referred them to a lawyer for their problem, we might not be able to do it for you.  Please, if you need a lawyer and we can’t or won’t assist, contact your state bar or look at any local bus shelter, not for the ads on the side, but for the surplus of recent law grads who are probably sleeping in the shelter.  They will be more than happy to get some work.
  • Local law is a gift.  Thank us for paying attention to it.  We get orders from all over the United States and the world at large—sometimes, a few people claiming to be from Mars, who the local insane asylum actually pays us a bounty for reporting.  All of our attorneys are admitted to practice in one or more American jurisdiction, but they might not be admitted in your state, country, or planet.  That means that our documents advise on federal and international legal issues, as well as comply with English common law, so any time that we look up your local laws it’s because we’re awesome and want to cover our ass.  We do not, however, give any state specific advice and our failure to include some random provision about how your local government wants all websites to be registered with them is out of our control.  You are responsible for things like that.
  • You get what you pay for.  Our documents have different levels of coverage, for Ecommerce, COPPA compliance, and so on.  If you buy the bare bones Terms of Service designed for someone who doesn’t do Ecommerce with their website, please don’t give us a 300-page graduate thesis on the origins of your website’s payment processing system and expect us to incorporate it into your documents, thinking we won’t notice.  We do a great job for all service levels, but each one is made for a specific business level that must be selected.  We can’t cover every little contingency, and in fact you don’t always want to since your terms will rival the magna carta and your sites visitors will have their hard drives explode from the sheer mass of them.
  • It may take a while to turn your documents around.  See the above point about service levels?  Well, we have a three business day add-on service.  Our ability to turn your documents around varies based on the current volume of orders and the alignment of the stars.  If you have a start-up that’s going live in a few days, we recommend the three business day option to ensure you have your documents in time.

6.  Prohibition on Resale

This is really, really super duper mega ultra triple important.  We cannot stress enough how legally irresponsible it would be if you got the idea to just invent your own legal documents website and then place orders with us to cover the orders people place with you, especially if your legal credentials consist of drifting in and out of a boring NBC crime drama franchise that shall not be named.  Here’s why:

  • There is a secret society governing the world of Internet marketing that we know little about, other than that they call themselves the “FTC” and are appointed by the highest levels of government.  Telling people that your company writes their documents and then secretly hiring us to do it will probably result in the FTC doing something that involves erasing any evidence that you ever existed.
  • Even if you tell people you’re having their orders fulfilled by some other company, you’re probably violating multiple state bar ethics rules and we don’t want any part of it.  Seriously, we keep everything in-house because we can control our quality and comply with ethics rules—even if you think you can comply with ethics laws, we’d rather not risk it.
  • We don’t know you.  We have no idea if you’re going to mess with the documents that we write before you send them back to the purchaser, or if you’re going to make unrealistic promises that, “This document will mean that not even Kryptonite could expose you to a lawsuit, even if you drunkenly crashed a stolen tank into a busload of nuns.”

The bottom line is that we started our own business because we trust our own in-house team to do be good and ethical people when they’re not faking injuries to get the best parking spots.  So you agree that when you purchase our services, it’s for you or the company you are an officer, employee, or affiliate of, and not for the purpose of resale.  We will narc on you if we find out you’re reselling our terms, and you waive any confidentiality in such cases.

7.  Copyright (We own that shiz)

We worked really hard to put our site together and write our content.  Therefore, you agree not to copy, distribute, display, disseminate, inseminate, or otherwise reproduce any of the information on our website, or our website itself, without our prior written permission.

Really, this is all redundant anyway, because we’re just restating what’s illegal in every country except maybe North Korea or Canada or something.

We own the rights to the Terms of Service, Privacy Policies, or any other documents we draft for you.  Once payment is completed the rights are automatically conferred to you by nature of this agreement.  If you really have your panties in a bunch and want us to put it in an email we can do that, but as long as we’re paid you get the rights. These rights, however, are nonexclusive since we may use similar language in other documents which means you can’t go after our customers for copyright infringement.  You are given the ability to use what we do for you on your Site, but cannot resell them or allow others to copy them.  If you start selling your terms to other people we’ll be pissed and probably go NAMBLA on that ass.

But yea, as long as we’re paid and you don’t chargeback we’ll be cool.

8.  Trademarks

“Snapterms” and “Snapsurance” are trademarks used by us, Snapterms LLC, to uniquely identify our legal services business, as well as our less known illegal services business, which involves hand drawn portraits of David Hasselhoff, a goat, and a copy of the Necronomicon.  You agree not to use our trademarked phrases anywhere without our prior written consent.  Additionally, you agree not to use our trade dress, or copy the look and feel of our website or its design, without our prior written consent.  You agree that this paragraph goes beyond the governing law on intellectual property law, and includes prohibitions on any competition that violates the provisions of this paragraph, or any violation of unwritten Klingon tradition.

9.  Revocation of Consent

So, this paragraph assumes that you sacrificed a chicken to us or something and we decided to graciously let you use our copyright and/or trademark.  Even if we have given prior written consent for your use of our protected material, we may revoke that consent at any time.

If we so request, we may require that you immediately take action to remove from circulation, display, publication, or other dissemination, any of the marks, copyrighted content, or other materials that we previously consented for you to use.

So, please don’t use the terms “Snapterms” or “Snapsurance” to sell bags of explosive poisonous snakes to minors because it would make us look really bad and we’d have to revoke our consent for your use of our intellectual property.

10.  DMCA Notices

We take copyright infringement very seriously.  We have registered a Copyright Agent with the G-men at the United States Copyright Office, which limits our liability under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.  By limits, we mean completely eliminates.  Destroys.  Annihilates.  There’s really no reason to try to sue us if someone else uses our site to infringe your copyright because it will waste everybody’s time when we could all be out playing water polo or something.

So, if you believe that your copyright has been infringed, please send us a message which contains:

  • Your name.
  • The name of the party whose copyright has been infringed, if different from your name.
  • The name and description of the work that is being infringed.
  • The location on our website of the infringing copy.
  • A statement that you have a good faith belief that use of the copyrighted work described above is not authorised by the copyright owner (or by a third party who is legally entitled to do so on behalf of the copyright owner) and is not otherwise permitted by law.
  • A statement that you swear, under penalty of perjury, that the information contained in this notification is accurate and that you are the copyright owner or have an exclusive right in law to bring infringement proceedings with respect to its use.

You must sign this notification and send it to our mouthpiece at:

Aaron M. Kelly, Superstar
Kelly/Warner, PLLC
Suite C-201
404 S. Mill Ave.
Tempe,                   AZ 85281
United States

aaron@snapterms.com

If sending the notification by e-mail, an electronic signature is acceptable.

11.  Representations & Warranties

WE MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE MERCHANTABILITY OF OUR SERVICE OR FITNESS FOR ANY PARTICULAR PURPOSE.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU ARE RELEASING US FROM ANY LIABILITY THAT WE MAY OTHERWISE HAVE TO YOU IN RELATION TO OR ARISING FROM THIS AGREEMENT OR OUR SERVICES, FOR REASONS INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, FAILURE OF OUR SERVICE, NEGLIGENCE, OR ANY OTHER TORT.  TO THE EXTENT THAT APPLICABLE LAW RESTRICTS THIS RELEASE OF LIABILITY, YOU AGREE THAT WE ARE ONLY LIABLE TO YOU FOR THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF DAMAGES THAT THE LAW RESTRICTS OUR LIABILITY TO, IF SUCH A MINIMUM EXISTS.

AS LAW IS A REGULATED PROFESSION, WE CANNOT WAIVE CERTAIN LIABILITIES.  FOR EXAMPLE, NOTHING IN THIS WAIVER RELEASES US FROM COMPLYING WITH THE RULES OF PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT AS ESTABLISHED BY THE STATE BAR OF ARIZONA.  HOWEVER, WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY LITIGATION THAT MAY ARISE FROM OR RELATE TO THE BUSINESS FOR WHICH YOU RETAIN US TO DRAFT LEGAL DOCUMENTS.  IF SOMEONE SUES YOU BECAUSE YOU CRASHED YOUR CAR INTO THEIR LIVING ROOM, WE AREN’T GOING TO BE REPPING YOU.

ADDITIONALLY, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OUR TERMS OF SERVICE ARE FOCUSED ON ISSUES OF FEDERAL LAW, SUCH AS INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND FEDERAL MARKETING LAW, AND GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF COMMON LAW AS THEY APPLY TO TRADITIONAL CONTRACTS AND TORTS.  YOUR JURISDICTION’S LAWS AS THEY REGARD CONTRACTS AND TORTS MAY CAUSE DIFFERENT RESULTS THAN THOSE DESCRIBED IN OUR LEGAL DOCUMENTS.

YOU ALSO WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO CONFIDENTIALITY THAT YOU MIGHT OTHERWISE HAVE WITH US FOR THE SERVICES THAT WE PROVIDE TO YOU, UNLESS OTHERWISE AGREED.  THIS IS BECAUSE NON-LAWYERS MAY HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY PROCESS YOUR ORDERS, TRANSMIT YOUR REQUESTS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE LAWYERS AND YOU, AND ROLLE THEM INTO BALLS AND PLAY PING-PONG WITH THEM.  IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, WANT CONFIDENTIALITY, ASK US FIRST, OR ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO WRITE YOUR LEGAL DOCUMENTS.

THE PROVISION OF OUR SERVICE TO YOU IS CONTINGENT ON YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THIS AND ALL OTHER SECTIONS OF THIS AGREEMENT.  NOTHING IN THE PROVISIONS OF THIS “REPRESENTATIONS & WARRANTIES” SECTION SHALL BE CONSTRUED TO LIMIT THE GENERALITY OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF THIS SECTION.

For Jurisdictions that do not allow us to limit our liability: Notwithstanding any provision of these Terms, if your jurisdiction has provisions specific to waiver or liability that conflict with the above then our liability is limited to the smallest extent possible by law.  Specifically, in those jurisdictions not allowed, we do not disclaim liability for: (a) death or personal injury caused by its negligence or that of any of its officers, employees or agents; or (b) fraudulent misrepresentation; or (c) any liability which it is not lawful to exclude either now or in the future.

 

IF YOU ARE A RESIDENT OF A JURISDICTION THAT REQUIRES A SPECIFIC STATEMENT REGARDING RELEASE THEN THE FOLLOWING APPLIES.  FOR EXAMPLE, CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS MUST, AS A CONDITION OF THIS AGREEMENT, WAIVE THE APPLICABILITY OF CALIFORNIA CIVIL CODE SECTION 1542, WHICH STATES, “A GENERAL RELEASE DOES NOT EXTEND TO CLAIMS WHICH THE CREDITOR DOES NOT KNOW OR SUSPECT TO EXIST IN HIS OR HER FAVOR AT THE TIME OF EXECUTING THE RELEASE, WHICH IF KNOWN BY HIM OR HER MUST HAVE MATERIALLY AFFECTED HIS OR HER SETTLEMENT WITH THE DEBTOR.”  YOU HEREBY WAIVE THIS SECTION OF THE CALIFORNIA CIVIL CODE.  YOU HEREBY WAIVE ANY SIMILAR PROVISION IN LAW, REGULATION, OR CODE THAT HAS THE SAME INTENT OR EFFECT AS THE AFOREMENTIONED RELEASE.

12.  Indemnity

You agree to indemnify and hold us harmless, and closely, for any claims by you or any third party which may arise from or relate to this Agreement or the provision of our service to you, including any damages caused by your use of our website or acceptance of the offers contained on it.  You also agree that you have a duty to defend us against bear attacks, and against such claims, and we may require you to pay for an attorney(s) of our choice (just because we’re attorneys doesn’t mean we don’t hire our own) in such cases.  You agree that this indemnity extends to requiring you to pay for our reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements.

In the event of a claim such as one described in the above paragraph, we may elect to settle with the party/parties making the claim, and you shall be liable for the damages as though we had proceeded with a trial.  In other words, we don’t have to stay aboard the legal equivalent of the Titanic to defend against something that we could probably just save time and/or money settling.

13.  Choice of Law

This Agreement shall be governed by the laws in force in the State of Arizona.  The offer and acceptance of this contract is deemed to have occurred in the State of Arizona.

14.  Forum of Dispute

U mad bro?  Wanna throw down?

We try to solve any customer complaints to the best of our ability, but if we have an argument and decide to go our separate ways, you agree that any dispute arising from or relating to this Agreement will be heard solely by a court of competent jurisdiction in the State of Arizona.

If such a court does not exist, you agree that such disputes will be decided by means of pistols at dawn.  We reserve the right to hire Ted Nugent to represent us, while you must hire someone with vision of 20/50 and two broken arms.  If a Court does not uphold this they are obviously not a fan of Ted Nugent, and must be admonished for their lack of Ted Nugent love.

If you bring a dispute in a manner other than in accordance with this section, you agree that we may move to have it dismissed, and that you will be responsible for our reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements in doing so.

You agree that the losing party is responsible for paying the successful party’s reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements.

15.  Force Majeure

You agree that we are not responsible to you for anything that we may otherwise be responsible for, if it is the result of events beyond our control, including, but not limited to, acts of God, acts of Satan, war, insurrection, riots, terrorism, crime, labor shortages (including lawful and unlawful strikes), embargoes, postal disruption, zombie attacks, packs of wild dogs, packs of wild monkeys riding wild dogs, communication disruption, failure or shortage of infrastructure, shortage of materials, remakes of RoboCop, cats that play the piano, or any other event beyond our control.

16.  Severability

In the event that a provision of this Agreement is found to be unlawful, conflicting with another provision of the Agreement, or otherwise unenforceable, we’re both to blame, because neither of us noticed it and both of us agreed to this Agreement—we forgive you.  In such cases, the Agreement will remain in force as though it had been entered into without that unenforceable provision being included in it.

If two or more provisions of this Agreement are deemed to conflict with each other’s operation, we will make them fight to the death to see which remains in the contract.  Or, if that’s scientifically impossible, Snapterms LLC shall have the sole right to elect which provision remains in force.

If the entire Agreement is declared unlawful, head for the hills, because the commies have finally invaded and crushed capitalism.

17.  Assignment

You may not assign your rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party without our prior written consent.  We may assign our rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party at our discretion.  We may film ourselves assigning the rights back and forth around the office and then send you a postcard of it just to tease you , but we won’t, because we’re nice.

18.  Amendments

We may amend this Agreement from time to time.  When we amend this Agreement, we will update this page and indicate the date that it was last modified.  You may refuse to agree to the amendments, but if you do, you’re a bad decision maker because you must immediately cease using our awesome website and service.  You must visit this page each time you come to our website and read and agree to it if the date it was last modified is more recent than the last time you agreed to the Agreement.

19.  Zardoz!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbGVIdA3dx0